I prefer not to say my name.

Of course, my name does not matter. I could be any of the countless black women in this country suffering from infertility, quietly with a smile on my face and a shield over my emotions when people say the countless unhelpful things that make me feel that much more lonely on this journey I am taking.  It is one of my many shields I have to carry in order to navigate through this world and not seem to be on the verge of cracking up. What is one more shield?

My name does not matter.

It is my struggle that has taken over the very essence of my life.

What made me start this blog is I kind of want to take a break from trying to get pregnant. We have been trying for about 11 cycles and I have gone from optimistic to pessimistic in a slow decline that has built up to the reality that is me now.

The me right now is at the end of her hope rope just about.

It isn't that I don't think that it will happen but it is that I don't think I can take a ton more of it not happening.

I am probably putting far too much on it and thinking it will solve all the unhappiness in my life. Or that it is the source of that unhappiness. Probably I am lying to myself but in this moment, on this day 2 days before the period I am about sure I am going to get despite doing a cycle of Clomid and fucking to a perfectly timed schedule...I am bitter and depressed.

"Just relax!"

"Maybe it's not the right time!"

"You're stressing about it too much..."

I don't even want to talk to people about it anymore because I am so sick of hearing the dismissiveness of these statements. It made me realize how much people do not care about your feelings more than they care about shutting you up about your feelings. The truth is nobody wants to hear your inner heartache and despair. That's why they have therapists and for the truly poor, religion. Tell it to your shrink or your god. Your friends don't really care or if they do they have never been shown how to truly sit and listen to show it.

Your husband? Men are usually never good with emotions. And mine was raised almost exclusively by his father during his most formative years of learning how to date etc. I'm not going to sit up and bash him or anything but if he has any sadness about not conceiving up to this point he hasn't really verbalized it. And he considers encouragement reassurance as if there are no worries on his part. Perhaps he feels he has to be strong for me. Ah but the ability to be strong for me makes me feel like the alien in all of this anyway. We should be in this together. 

My husband and I are very different anyway and our ability to relate to each other emotionally is probably the biggest hurdle in our marriage thus far so that this hasn't brought us a lot closer together shouldn't surprise me but it doesn't make me feel less lonely.

Even on the internet filled with a bunch of platforms dedicated to infertility I feel alone every time my period comes around.

I feel alone every time I see a positive test though I am happy for the person. I had one once. Very briefly. A chemical. I know how happy they are. And I know many of them know how sad I am. But I still feel alone.

Scratch that. When I have PMS I feel alone. When I am waiting on this dark red bloody reminder that I have failed again at something that people achieve by mistake, that is when I feel alone.

I don't think I am this horribly sad person the rest of the month, actually. But I don't want to be this person at any point in time.

In moments like these, I miss my father. He wouldn't have had anything particularly helpful to say if I am being honest but he would have said what was necessary to make me feel like I am special and I matter. Perhaps it is childish of me to still want and crave that in moments of loneliness. But I do.

I want, more than anything, to be a mother. I have so much light and love to pass on and so much to teach. It feels so wrong to not have any children in our beautiful home. Certainly, our marriage could use more work but the time is ticking away at me at 34 in December. I want children.

This is the first thing in life I have worked hard for and not achieved.

It is the first thing I have not had control over with hard work and perseverance. And that is so confusing and upsetting for me I am not sure what to do with it anymore.

We will see a Fertility Center specialist on Tuesday.

Maybe they will actually listen to me about my concerns as no doctor has up to this point. The most I have gotten is some Clomid for last cycle but my fear has always been that I do not produce enough progesterone in the luteal phase.

So we will see.

I just am ready to hear the cries of a child I carried and not the dismissals of friends who I share my pain